The holidays are upon us and they are known to be some of the most joyous times of the year, but not for everyone. Individuals who are grieving may find the holidays to bring sadness to them because they recently lost a loved one. When you lose someone dear to you, you face many changes, especially during the holidays you celebrated with them. The person who passed may have always made your favorite Christmas cookies or cooked the best turkey in town. These situations pose an issue for people grieving. Do we try and attempt to make their cookies and keep the tradition going? Do we not even try to make it and create a new tradition? Do we do nothing at all? Then comes the celebration of the holiday. Some people do not even want to acknowledge it. Some find comfort in doing what they always did. Some do what they always did but feel like there is a gaping hole in the holiday where the person who passed away used to sit. Another issue that often arises is do we decorate for the holiday. I remember my mother telling me a story from her childhood about when her maternal grandfather passed away on Christmas Eve. My grandmother would not let them put a tree up that year because in their culture it was a sign of disrespect for the deceased. My mother, being artistic, decided to draw a life size Christmas tree on the wall of their apartment. This story is the prime example of two people grieving, but wanting two different things in the same moment. So, what do we do in all of these different scenarios?
There is no right or wrong answer as to what you should do. Unfortunately, there are no guidelines to follow when you are grieving. Some people may feel sad, while others are angry, others may shutdown, others may avoid the loss altogether and bottle up their emotions. Some people feel sad first then angry. Some people may feel angry first then sad. Since we cannot predict the exact feelings at the exact time for every individual, creating set rules and techniques are virtually impossible. You need to gauge your feelings and mood and take it day by day. One of the best pieces of advice I received after I lost my mother from a colleague who lost their husband told me to not push myself. Following that extremely important piece of advice, she proceeded to say that this was a time in my life that I needed to be selfish and for once only worry about what I feel and what I wanted. But, it can be hard to be selfish, especially if you have children relying on you and not fully understanding why you are so sad and why you may not want to bake cookies or wrap gifts. So again, we are faced with the same dilemma. What do we do? You can try to meet your children halfway and do some of what they want and try to handle it in any way that you can. You can rely on others to help you and do some of the activities with them. You can try to change your mindset and look at the situation through the eyes of the children to help you live through them in that moment. Or you could try to explain to them that you are very sad and that the holiday may be a little different this year. Again, there is no set rules. It all really depends on how you are feeling and what you think you can handle. Talking to others about your feelings and struggles such as your support system, attending grief counseling groups that are offered by many hospitals and agencies, or seeking professional counseling can help you through this journey. You are the expert of yourself, so try different ways to help yourself throughout the holiday season. If you feel that you are struggling and need professional help, please feel free to contact us by finding our info on our website.